Dear Mr Perfect
by DarkeStar
Summary: Something gets Duo thinking and he begins to write a letter to himself as he ponders all the things he wants from a relationship. 12, some language, nothing heavy, Feedback.


Warnings: Language, shounen ai, Don't own-don't Sue  
Pair: 1+2  
Comments: Feedback always enjoyable to receive, especially now that there's no longer the hit counter so I don't know if anyone is reading it or not. It's discouraging not to know if people like things or not...  
Title: DEAR MR. PERFECT...  
  
  
Duo settled at the edge of the twin bed that was parallel to, and the mirror image of, the one directly across from him, the space separating the beds only a matter of roughly five feet, one small nightstand with one small drawer standing in the middle of this space, pressed against the wall. On the surface of the stand there was simple blue lamp with a faded lampshade, and this was offset to the left, away from Duo. Next to the lamp an old radio clock was at home, the time displayed in bright green, yet faded, numbers.  
  
Duo noted these things abstractly but was lost in thoughts and these two items held no significance to him. He had two things on his mind, receiving nearly equal attention. One was the drawer, which he had found to be locked, and had decided soon he would find out what was inside, if anything, but for the moment was content inventing stories about what could possibly rest inside the mystery drawer. The second matter that he was pondering was a conversation he had held on the way to this current hidey-hole, the time they had free right now one being simply a little reprieve from the war while thoughts were reorganized and more information gathered about it on boths sides.  
  
The conversation had dealt with, surprisingly; future plans after the war, and relationships. The topic of relationships had led to a discussion between Wufei and Quatre and himself, the occasional grunt of Heero and nod or soft word from Trowa peppered throughout. The topic was expectations and wants from future lovers/partners, and what would each person expect from each, what they held close to them and what they felt was necessary.  
  
Participation on Duo's behalf had waned slowly but the others seemed not to notice, and now the things that he couldn't quite say out loud then were running around in his mind, and he thought seriously for a minute in the reality that he could, and probably would at this rate, survive the war, and he would eventually find himself in a relationship, he should know what he expected.  
  
Settling back against the pillows he propped up Duo rummaged through his bag until he came out with the notebook of paper that he still had from the last school he attended and flipped through old assignments until he came to a sheet of unused paper. Plucking the blue pen from the spiral of the notebook he tapped it a moment against his cheek before starting to write.  
  
*Things to look for in a future...other:  
Kind, nice, caring, know me, show respect...*  
  
Duo sighed and ripped the page out, shaking his head. "Future other?" he muttered, "How dumb does that sound? And what is this, a list of things I want, doesn't everyone want that? I don't want someone generic."  
  
*Qualities I want in the person I find:  
Good personality-strong and stable, but a bit erratic, someone I'm comfortable around...*  
  
Duo reread the words and shook his head again, closing his eyes, making the sound of the paper being ripped out and crumpled especially loud in the silent room. "That was even dumber. Next I'll be writing a recipe for the perfect other. Come on, admit it. Who is this for anyway, who will see this? No one but my lonesome self."  
  
Silence was Duo's answer as he stared at the blank piece of paper. "I want a guy," he murmured softly, fingering the paper bits still stuck inside the wire spiral. "Not just a guy, I want a great guy, I want the most perfect guy alive..."  
  
Another moment of silence while Duo flipped back through the pages and his eyes fell on something he had written a while back. It was a letter to himself, reminders to do the homework assigned and ask Heero for help with some math problem, other little trivial things, but it gave him an idea. "I'll write a letter to myself, that way when I look back on this I'll understand where I was going." A slow smile tugged at Duo's lips as he nibbled at the edge of the pen until he set it against the paper and began to write.  
  
  
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Dear Mr. Perfect,  
  
I'm writing myself this letter so one day I might look back and see the person I am now. Naive, innocent, and to the core trusting, and yes, true, I am jaded by the war, I've known and caused pain and despair and heartache. Yet, by the time I reread this the world will have taken me into its carnivorous womb and devoured me alive, leaving behind the person that I'm not...and you...this letter. I want you to remind me of the disillusioned fantasy I once held, even in the midst of war and death and tears, and I want to be able to look back and smile at this innocence so easily shattered. I want...I want to remind myself of what I once sought, and may still be seeking, but may never find, because what I want is like trying to find a needle...in a whole field of haystacks.  
  
So, Mr. Perfect, what I expect from you is a guy that will be strong for me, so I don't always have to be, but weak, so I can return the comfort given. Someone who can put up with my endless chatter, and love every word I say because it's me, and love to hear my voice. Someone whose smile makes my day worth living and who's laugh I could never tire of hearing, even if I lived forever. Preferably someone of little words, to better suit my loquaciousness, and so each endearment spoken is only more dear and meaningful. Someone who hears every word I say, and also will hear everything I don't say. I want eyes that I can fall into and that are endless and deep and warm, lips that are sweeter than chocolate, and the kind of hair I won't be able to keep my fingers from long, that just begs to be touched.  
  
I want someone strong, so I feel good in the arms that will hold me every night, but who is vulnerable enough to be held. Someone who's not too much taller than me, but tall enough that I can lean into the frame of the body easily. Someone who won't mind me touching and teasing and won't care that I physically and often show my affection. I want....  
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"Duo!"  
  
Duo looked up slowly, heart racing, pen frozen just above the paper, getting ready to dip back down and continue with the flood of thoughts that had just erupted from inside of him. Glancing over at the person who had interrupted he saw Wufei standing at the open door to the room he was sitting in, arms folded over his chest, an uncharacteristically concerned expression on his usually impassive face.  
  
"I've been calling your name for the past several minutes," he explained, once certain he had the American's attention. "Dinners ready, been ready for about 20 minutes, and Quatre told me to come up here and tell you or else you'd be upset that you missed it. Frankly, I'm surprised that you didn't smell the food long before now, and you've also known Quatre was going to fix after he put his own stuff up. What have you been doing? I hope not planning on causing trouble."  
  
"Nothing, and no, I hadn't really planned on causing trouble." Duo folded the paper once, one third down, then the other third covering it, and set it on the little nightstand before turning back to where Wufei was standing and gave a sheepish grin. "Just writing to myself, that's all. Did you say dinner?"  
  
"Yes. Come on." Wufei turned and moved down the hall, and Duo waited to hear the soft groan of the third step down before he turned back to the little stand and studied the piece of paper he had just placed there. Reaching into his bag again he pulled out a small plastic pouch that held his lock picks and turned back to the drawer, within seconds had it open. Studying inside all he saw was a key, to the drawer he surmised after trying it, and the faded paper that lined the bottom. Glancing at the empty doorway he pushed his letter off the surface and into the open drawer, then closed it and used the key to lock it. Stuffing the key into his pocket he checked to make sure the drawer was secured tightly, then stood up and made his way downstairs before someone else came up looking for him. He could just imagine the reaction a letter like that would draw, especially from his roommate, the impenetrable Heero Yuy. It wasn't exactly the way he would have chosen to break the news to his fellow male pilots he was gay, even thought he suspected that at least one them was just the same way. Anyway he looked at it though it just spelled disaster.  
  
"It's about time you joined us," Quatre scolded lightly, handing Duo his glass as he came into the kitchen. Duo smiled back and settled in next to Heero, who glanced over, then back to his food without a greeting or a sound. Unaffected Duo began to chatter away, silently counting the minutes until he could make an escape and go back to his letter while he still had time to himself, that way he wouldn't feel any more foolish than he usually felt.  
  
Bounding up out of the chair Duo swiped over his mouth with the napkin and grinned at the other pilots who had looked up with expressions ranging from amused to slightly exasperated. "Just got something I'm working on..." Duo trailed off as Heero slowly hauled him back by the braid, only to give a gentle yank, but a yank nonetheless at the last second, bringing Duo back sharply. Steadying himself on the table Duo looked over at Heero and took advantage of their positioning to fall back the rest of the way right into the others lap.  
  
Wrapping his arms around the others neck Duo crooned, "Why, Heero, I didn't know you cared?"  
  
"You have to wipe your face," Heero answered, ignoring the comment Duo had directed toward him as he lifted a napkin to Duo's mouth and swiped it across, efficient and to the point. Duo sighed. "You can move yourself from my lap," Heero stated.  
  
Duo looked up at the ceiling, pretending to think about it, fingers subconsciously toying with the hair that was just above the nape of Heero's neck. "Or I can move you," Heero told him, standing smoothly, one arm under Duo's knees, the other under the back. Moving over to the couch Heero gave Duo a pointed look, "Let go."  
  
Releasing his hold Duo felt himself weightless for a minute then he was landing on the soft couch, Heero's footsteps already moving back to the kitchen. Swinging himself around to sit upright, feet planted firmly on the carpet Duo glanced up at the clock and then moved back upstairs, sure that he wouldn't be disturbed for at least a half hour.  
  
  
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...someone who will make me dinner for no reason at all, or who will tolerate going out to eat somewhere that he doesn't necessarily like too much just because he knows I do, and that I'll do the same for him. I want someone who will feed me from his fingers, or wipe my mouth. Someone who can pick me up easily in strong arms, but still be someone I can be an equal to, respected for my abilities and respected likewise for my shortcomings and the fact I know them and accept them.   
  
If I'm sick I want someone who will rub my feet with loving hands and pamper me even if it's not really necessary, and think I'm beautiful, all of me, even when I am sick or when I'm crying or when I'm depressed, because yes, it's possible. And I want that too, someone who can see through my mask and make me confront what I feel, or what I fear.  
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"We're going to a movie," Heero stated. Duo almost dropped the paper at hearing the voice so close without having noticed at all, but it wasn't yet in the danger zone, still not even in the room yet, but close. Duo folded the paper and looked up at Heero, who had come in and was pulling on a pair of jeans. Duo he took a minute to study the perfect thighs, the curve of the butt, then the small of the back in the brief second Heero was lifting his tank top. "Quatre gave me that look of his, that pleading blue eyed innocent look and asked me to put on a pair of jeans, and to come along. What are you looking at?"  
  
Duo brought his eyes up to see Heero looking over his shoulder at him, an almost comically quizzical look on his face, and Duo dropped his eyes down to the carpet, and Heero's heels. One wouldn't think that heels could be sexy, Duo thought, but obviously the person thinking this would never have seen Heero's heels, soft looking and tanned and round and seemingly just perfect.  
  
"Nothing, just lost in thought," Duo answered.  
  
"Did you want to go to the movies with us or not?" Heero asked, disinterested yet again as he pulled on socks and his shoes, now perched at the edge of the desk.  
  
"Yeah, sure." Placing the letter in the drawer Duo locked it and settled his hands in his pockets, allowing the key to slide through his fingers as he moved around his bed to the door where he had kicked his shoes off. "I'll meet ya downstairs, k?"  
  
Heero nodded, tying his left shoe and lifting his right, Duo's form disappearing from view around the door. He cast a speculative glance at the locked drawer but knew it was secured and Duo would know if he picked it, that was Duo's specialty after all, so he left it. He followed soon after to find Duo waiting by the front door, grinning like a fool. "The others are waiting for us, come on, or else they may decide on the movie for us and then we'll be stuck watching something horrible." Duo rolled his eyes and motioned Heero along, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he moved.  
  
"What did you think of the movie?" Duo prompted, tugging on Heero's arm as they walked out of the theatre.  
  
"The Birdcage?" Heero lifted an eyebrow, the only real show of expression he would give, before it fell back into place and he gave it a moment's thought. "I thought the movie was ridiculous," he said at last. "The characters were so ostentatious it seemed impossible that anything was really under that beyond what you see there."  
  
"That's not true," Duo said softly, looking over at Heero. "Like that character Albert, it's an act really, something he puts up to hide the fact he's really afraid of being left alone, abandoned, losing the only thing that really meant something to him. You have to see under it..."  
  
Before Heero could say anything Wufei came up behind them with Quatre and Trowa demanding to know the point of wasting their time with that movie, in all of it's uselessness. Heero turned around after a moment with a glare. "Shut-up, Wufei!"  
  
  
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There's really only one thing someone will have to watch out for with me, something that he'll have to remember. I have a past that isn't pretty. I want the person to understand it, and accept it, accept everything about it and that comes with it. Someone who will hold me during the nightmares, the screaming till I'm hoarse and thrashing and choked sobs, and won't feel pity, perhaps only a degree of sadness that he can't help. Someone who won't hate me because of my role in the war, who will understand this misguided child fighter, and who will understand that they don't have to fear me, even though there are reasons they should. Someone who won't force me to talk about anything, but will be there unconditionally when I do. And defend me if it comes to that on something, just like all the years I never had anyone but myself.  
  
I want...there are so many things I want in that one special person I can't even name them here, I only hope when I look back and see this meager and choppy list it will all flood back to me, the hopes and dreams and memories and wishes, and that I will feel them as warmly and real as I feel them now. I want...I just want that one perfect someone, and I know that he'll be everything I could ever need, and that sums it up. But I'm not stupid, I'm sure I won't find everything I'm looking for, we're all works in progress, but there's one out there...one just for me...and-  
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Beep, beep, beep, beep... Duo lifted his head to glare at the laptop sitting on the desk across from the bed he was on. "What now?" he growled under his breath, tossing the letter into the open drawer and slamming it shut, positive he was being called away from it again. First dinner, then the damn movie, and now a mission, when they had been told it would be a while before anything came in.  
  
Lifting the lid of the laptop Duo brought up the incoming message and gave a weary sigh, resigned to the endless given directions from others, and resigned to the interruptions. Opening the door to the room he shared with Heero he yelled out for anyone within hearing distance, "Mission, Yuy and me, if ya hear me get your ass upstairs and if he's not around find him."  
  
Heero appeared on the stairs with a customary scowl and moved past Duo into the room, to the laptop, and then he came back out, motioning for Duo to follow him. Muttering under his breath Duo pulled on his shoes and started after Heero, tightening the band at the end of his braid having learned from previous experience that a loose braid will come out under the right conditions and get in the way.  
  
  
"How did it go?" Quatre asked Heero from the kitchen, teacup between his cradling hands, a paper spread out on the table. It wasn't really that late, and it wasn't ludicrous that Quatre could still be up; the mission hadn't taken long, a simple information gathering. Quatre's eyes dropped back down to his apparent reading, but did not sweep from side to side like they would have if he had really been concentrating on the words. Heero gave him what he wanted.  
  
"Fine. Duo will be along in about ten minutes."  
  
Quatre nodded and closed his paper, watching as Heero walked past. In the room Heero pulled the tank top over his head and tossed it toward his bed, eyes falling on a piece of paper sitting at an angle on the carpet partially under his bed. In the dim light coming from the hall Heero could see the handwriting was Duo's by the small bit that was visible. Throwing a look over his shoulder to the ajar door Heero moved over to the bed and picked it up, unfolded it slowly and sat down, eyes skimming the words. He reached out and clicked on the lamp by the bed, fingers coming away grimy with dust that had probably been building for years.  
  
"And? And what?" Heero muttered, turning the page over, huffing under his breath, and then glancing at the door again. Still no sign, and he hadn't heard Duo enter. As silent as the God of Death was, Shinigami seemed to hide when Duo didn't need him.  
  
Rereading the letter once again the irritation at the missing words faded and a slow smile spread over the Japanese pilots features as he picked up the pen teetering at the edge of the little stand. Refolding the paper Heero slowly slid open the drawer, glad to find it unlocked, and dropped the paper in, closing it and retrieving his shirt. He had just moved back to the desk where he was filling in their status and promising a report before noon the next day when Duo burst into the room.  
  
Moving over to the bed Heero settled onto it, kicking his shoes off, and settled with his back to Duo, eyes closed.  
  
Duo spared only a glance at Heero as he pulled open the drawer, eyeing the back now with more of a suspicious eye, but was soon satisfied that Heero, even if he did turn to look at him, would no more be interested in what Duo was writing than normal. He only had a few things more to jot down anyway. Opening the letter his eyes widened in shock and his fingers went slack, the paper sliding through and to the floor, the words still haunting his line of sight.  
  
  
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Dear Duo...  
  
When one's the Perfect Soldier, there is no haystack...there's only the needle.  
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~FINISH~  
  
Darkstar- Comments, praise, feedback, greatly appreciated. ^_^ Please... 


End file.
